Saturday, August 1, 2009

this weekend will mark the end of the third year without my mom. david asked me today how i was doing with that, the grieving and missing her. it doesn’t seem any more acute for me on the anniversary of her death. i just miss her. and i am so grateful that she was my mom. she was a great mom, even though she made many mistakes, some that wounded me deeply…because she loved me deeply too.

i love being able to extend grace to her in my memories. that is an interesting concept, huh? here’s an example of how it works. when michael (first child, like the first pancake) was a baby, i was a neurotic mess. i worried about everything. mom was a bit of a worrier too. it must be a genetic thing. (thankfully God can overcome genetics.) one spring afternoon we were going to the mall, mom michael and i. as we got out of the car the wind picked up to like a hundred miles an hour. really, it was crazy windy. and mom looked at me with a bit of panic and said “you need to run with him into the mall or” (i swear this is true) “the wind will suck his breath away.” what?? i was so bound up by fear, i believed her. as i look back at this, i know it was a silly wive’s tale that she had been taught and she was not maniacally trying to mess with me by telling me this. so i give her grace. (my brother mike died when he was 4 years old and here was her first grandchild, named in his memory...i can't imagine the mixture of joy and grief and understandably, some worry.) and thankfully, i figured out the worry stuff. at least most of it.

when i was growing up we had bright purple carpet in our living room. on purpose. mom chose it because she loved purple. she didn’t care about what was in style or even normal. she liked it so she thought it was perfect.

thanks mom. i live in a house i love with pink and yellow walls and lots and lots of color and quilts because you taught me to go with what i loved and not to worry if it was a bit different.

i miss you.


Jodes said...

dear kay.. your mom was such a special and beautiful person. i know she and your daddy were instrumental in the amazing person you are today. so, i love and miss them too. it's sweet that david checked with you today about the grieving process, and showed respect to that fact that it really is never over.

when i visited your house, i felt warm and happy looking around at all the colors, textures, art but mostly feeling the love that emanates from your entire family. you are a beautiful wife, mother, friend and role model, and i thank your mom for her role in who you are today.


linda droeger said...

K, Thanks for sharing your precious mother with us...Telling you the wind could suck the breath out of your little Michael seemed crazy at first -- but your understanding that her fear came from losing her own Michael reminded me of my mother's deep-seated fears coming from the loss of her young son. Thanks for showing me a picture of the grace and love I yearn to show my mom but continue to fall short. Love, Linda